The Best of the Bad: Christmas

          I will admit to being a music snob. I will also admit that it is during this time of year that my tolerance for bad music is much higher than usual. I will happily put up with a much higher percentage of the stale and saccharine in the name of tradition and the Christmas season. Growing up, my family referred to me as the "Christmas Nazi" because shortly after Thanksgiving, all music in the house had to be Christmas related. It is no different for me at this age. I have my radio set to the two Boston stations that play non-stop Christmas music 24 hours a day and I flip back and forth between commercials. Regardless, there are certain songs and or renditions that I simply can no longer put up with in the name of the season. Below I have compiled a list and analysis loosely based on Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs: (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dave_Barry's_Book_of_Bad_Songs )

          When he first posted this column on which the book was based, he got such a strong reaction to it that people would stop him in the street, grab his arm and say: "That Pina Colada song? I hate that song!" While Dave Barry surveyed for his compilation for many months, my very thorough research has consisted of approximately 2 hours of internet surfing. But here it is: the best of the bad of Christmas.

          Now, as my friend Rachele points out, nearly every Christmas song from the last ten years could fall under this category fairly easily. Never underestimate the power of a Christmas hit and residual payments annually. I once saw what I hope was a parody of a Christmas collaboration between Kiri Te Kanawa and the Sex Pistols, for example. It seems though, that bad Christmas songs have been in existence for centuries. There is a traditional Dutch carol that tells the story of an evil butcher who, during a famine, kills and then pickles a group of children in a vat of brine. It is St. Nicholas who comes to their rescue and prays them back to life. Just a sample, I'm sure, of many Christmas songs we have sung to generations of children in the hopes of haunting their dreams for the rest of their lives. Of course, one need not go back so far. I don't even need to get into the B section of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and its depiction of a man who is watching us sleeping. And at a friend's holiday party recently, a group of us put on a Phil Spector Christmas album. I cannot think of a creepier image than the one on the cover of this particular release. That's actually Phil Spector dressed as Santa. Throw in his murder conviction and it makes one good nightmare.

Then there is the just plain bad:


"Who took the Merry out of Christmas?" - Donny Osmond

"Christmas Conga" - Cyndi Lauper

"Merry Christmas with Love" - Clay Aiken

"My Only Wish" - Jessica Simpson

"Marshmallow World" - As performed by anyone (Admit it, it makes you want to poke yourself in the eye).

"All I Want For Christmas Is A Beatle" - Dora Bryan

"Please Daddy, Don't get Drunk this Christmas" - John Denver (whom I love- I was horrified to find this!)

          Throw in here that entire Amy Grant album with orchestra that they just love to play this time of year. The sound of that schmaltzy orchestra only painstakingly enhances every flat-sounding syllable with that wobbly vibrato that she utters. That Christmas Waltz song is particularly nauseating.

          More controversial are the many holiday offerings of the Carpenters. I will not refute the beauty of Karen Carpenter's instrument. Rather, to quote one of my college professors on the subject of the group, it's that "tinny, commercial sound" that I find renders the songs unlistenable for extended periods of time. And yet if one comes up on the radio in isolation I will smile because 'it's December'. If however, I hear one more lackluster cover of "Santa Baby" I might fly into a rage at the grocery store.

          Now there is that part of all of us that loves that certain song in spite of its inherent mediocrity. This usually has to do with the fact that we grew up with it. For me, this genre is the Christmas music of Anne Murray (the country singer, not the opera singer). Are the tempos a bit slow? Yes. Is there a bit too much 80's style midi utilized? Yes. But I love it all the same because it sounds like Christmas.